you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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