I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
