I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
