Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Randomize
