Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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