ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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