I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
