M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize