He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
