Welp...herpes.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
