This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Randomize
