I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
