If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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