I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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