Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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