Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
