What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
