Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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