just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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