Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
