A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
