I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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