hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
