Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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