4 words: hood of his car
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
