I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
a search helicopter?!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize