How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize