if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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