She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
