you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
you inspire me to be a worse person
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Randomize
