Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Drunk is a universal language darling
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