I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
