Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
