Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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