Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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