I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
