just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
