Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
