Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
