All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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