you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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