Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
