Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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