dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
