Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
