I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
