just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
