Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
even my farts smell like vagina
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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