Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I party with great urgency now.
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