I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Randomize
