Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
