sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I'm having to shit out rocks
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