So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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