Is it because I queefed?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
