There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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