I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
