Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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