Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
We got so high we made milksteak
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
