Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
