Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
