Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
A bitchslap is in order.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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