It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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