wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
