Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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