i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
