My Higher Power is John Stamos
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
