At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
